Holy Scars

I consented to heart surgery this week.

Not the go in the hospital kind, the hand Jesus the scalpel kind.

I joined in a group online study at Bible Study Hub that started Monday. We are going through the book Everyday Love by Katie Orr, which FOCUSes on the famous love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13. Did you realize that this chapter is right smack in the middle of a bunch of messy church people and their associated messiness?

And can I just say - - - it has been painful, already.

Day 4 smacked me square in the face and has left me stinging for two days, so yes, it has been painful. In fact, I told my friend on the afternoon of day 4,

This study is KILL-ING me!

As she and I ended our conversation and parted ways, the Spirit in His oh-so-gentle way reminded me,

Yes, it IS killing you. It's supposed to. Remember - it's about dying to your old self and your flesh.

Taking a deep breath, I responded,

True, that IS what I have asked for.

So, this pain has been good and pain when I study is evidence of a holy scalpel upon my fleshly heart.

Here's what happened on Day 4, Question 2:

...ask the Holy Spirit to gently reveal to you places in your life that do not show signs of spiritual vitality.....

Reflecting on my life, immediately I knew one area that is not showing the signs of spiritual vitality, and I confessed that to Him, yet He didn't settle for my quipped, let's move on to the next question answer.

You always say that. More specific.

He was right. I do always give Him that same answer, and that answer is a pretty broad subject. I have asked for His help repeatedly in dealing with this, but I guess I just expect Him to "poof" it away. Although He is capable, He is not going to do that because this issue involves people and He loves them just as much as He loves me. He wants all to be whole, and part of my becoming whole is my ability to love others, even when they are unlovable.

Because that is where Jesus started with me - when I was unlovable.

I knew what He was asking and I knew I was guilty of always lumping it all together. Lumping it all together made it seem so big and a little less "my fault" and gave me more of an excuse to ignore it. Although I dread this heart surgery, I am thankful He is revealing to me how He wants to start. I am not sure quite where yet, but I am sure that will be revealed to me very quickly. Quickly, as in, revealed by 8:01 Monday morning. I have wrestled with this for a very long time and spent hours over the years crying it out, praying about it, seeking Him on it, pleading "my side" of things, wanting Him to "fix" the other side(s).

He can fix the other side, I don't doubt that.


But what if I let Him fix me?

There is always going to be an "other side" to deal with. Whether or not the other side gets fixed doesn't change one thing about me. If I let Him fix me, I can see all of the "other sides" of life differently, whether it's the one I currently wrestle with or one that is coming 20 years from now.

Although it is complex, it is also pretty simple, He loves me too much to leave me like I am.

All of these years as I have prayed and cried, maybe He didn't fix the other side(s) of the situation, because He wants to fix me.

Because He doesn't count me a lost cause.

The Corinthians struggled, they were acting awful, and everything they were involved in was a mess, but despite all that, Paul didn't chalk them up as lost cause and just move on to a new group. He knew if they would grasp the truth and power of the gospel they would become a beautiful image of the love of Christ to a dying world.

Love is an outward proof of an internal transformation.
- Katie Orr, Everyday Love.

I want to be evidence of that.

I want the beauty of the scars left by a holy scalpel, tenderly, meticulously carved by holy hands.

You know, the ones with the nail scars.

XOXO